Note from Shirley: I am a great animal lover and
hate cruelty of any description to them, so please don't be offended
if you are a cat lover, I couldn't resist this joke.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered ornaments from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful
to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Drink another
beer then get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door
onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back
on hinges. Drink large tumbler of whisky to take away pain. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed, pry cat's mouth open with small spanner.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down
throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home
to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.